Apr 3, 2005

Among 'big story' deaths this past week like Pope John Paul, Terry Schiavo, hell even Frank Purdue and Jonny Cochran, American lost one of its best comedians:
Mitch Hedberg dead at 37

Some of my favorite Mitchisms:

"I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I'll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend... don’t even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's back home in the file... under "D", for doughnut."

"I rent a lot of cars, y'know, cuz I go on the road. I rent cars. And when I drive a rental car I don't know what's going on with it, right? So a lot of time I drive, like, for 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever."

"I don't have a girlfriend. I just know this lady who'd be really mad if she heard me say that."

"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish; they just want to make it late for something."

"I want to be a race car passenger; just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Man, you really like Tide ..."

"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."

"I played golf. I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it, I never got a hole in one ... but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying.... You're supposed to yell 'fore,' but I was way too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him."

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."

"I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member, I don't know how I get away with it. I like my sandwiches with three peices of bread. So do I. Lets form a club then. Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations. Yes we do. Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again. Yeah, four triangles. And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad. Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for em!"

Godspeed, Mitch...

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