New Top Ten (Minus 5)

I’m back with another exciting “top ten” list and his time I’ll be counting down the ten best pirates in movies over the years (and by years I mean ones I’ve seen). Oh and by ten, I mean five. I decided to do five, because, well, I didn’t want to think of ten. Aside from being a pirate I also happen to be lazy. So here we go:

5. Name: Sloth
Movie: The Goonies
Actor: John Matuszak
Quote: “Hey, you guys!”
List-worthiness: You don’t see a whole lot of pirating from the Goonies’ lovable mutant, but Sloth is a true pirate at heart, complete with a treasure chest and pirate ship in the end!

4. Name: Captain Hook
Movie: Hook
Actor: Dustin Hoffman
Quote: “To a ten-year-old I'm huge.”
List-worthiness: I almost didn’t include Hook because I wanted to add Bob Hoskins’ Smee, but then I remembered he did the Mario Bros. movie and that automatically disqualifies someone from making this list ever. I really like Hook, despite the fact I had to watch it everyday one summer with my cousins. It’s such a neat take on the Peter Pan mythos and Dustin Hoffman fit very well into it.

3. Name: Dread Pirate Roberts aka the Man in Black aka Westley
Movie: The Princess Bride
Actor: Cary Elwes
Quotes: “There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.” “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”
List-worthiness: The Princess Bride may be the perfect movie. I mean, when you think about it, it’s a chick flick, but you can’t help getting caught up in its magic. Cary Elwes is awesome in the lead role, and Mandy Patinkin gets points for be the probable future Dread Pirate Roberts.

2. Name: Captain Jack Sparrow
Movie: Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl
Actor: Johnny Depp
Quotes: “I think we've all arrived at a very special place. Spiritually, ecumenically, grammatically.” “You need to find yourself a girl mate. Or perhaps the reason you practice three hours a day is that you already found one, and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet. You're not a eunuch are you?” “You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before?”
List-worthiness: I don’t need to explain why Johnny Depp is on this list. What you may want to know is why he didn’t make number one. That’s because the greatest movie pirate in the world is in a movie you probably never saw:

1. Name: Yellowbeard
Movie: Yellowbeard
Actor: Graham Chapman
Quotes: “She couldn't be your mother. No woman ever slept with me and lived.” “Fruit of me loins? I haven't got fruit in me loins! Lice, yes, and proud of 'em, but no fruit!”
List-worthiness: The greatest pirate and the greatest pirate movie of all time. Take the comic genius of Monty Python, specifically the late Graham Chapman (with appearances by Eric Idle and John Cleese), and the zaniness of Cheech and Chong, and that weird priest from the Princess bride and you get the only movie that can successfully make multiple jokes about rape and urinating on imported hedges. Hopefully this gem will make its way onto DVD, because it is a must see for all pirate fans.